There is a part of me that is dying. It is my old self.
I see the persona of others so strongly. Just looking at pictures of other people online, I see such overwhelming posing. Trying too hard. Inauthentic.
But I know what is behind the masks. I know there is softness, wisdom, gentleness, true authenticity, rawness, unfiltered, child-self. But people have gotten so removed from this authentic self. It is heavy persona as if heavy makeup choking the breath of underlying pores of authenticity.
The masks we learn at an early age are tools to get what we want– love, nourishment, safety, attention.
For some, misbehaving gets them what they want. And for others, being the teacher’s pet gets them what they want.
How we choose to present ourselves to the world have have largely been conscious and unconscious manipulations and persuasions. Our persona is an architecture that has been built through years of A/B testing to see what works.
It is through this trial and error, feedback from people, and our own thinking that has formed our outward identities of which we frequently believe we are. We frequently identify as our persona. I think I am my persona. And I carry my persona with me even when I am alone. Even while I am in the dreamworld.
Over the past few years, a combination of things has caused this longstanding persona to begin dying.
Since moving to white Salmon five years ago, my identity of doing hard, nasty, intense work has waned.
I imagine my old ways akin to being on upper drugs. I might feel like a rockstar and accomplish a ton of things — but at what cost? (Hint: my Hypothalamus-Pituitary-Adrenal Axis and Sympathetic Nervous System)
The old self was harmful.
I am reminded of when I happened upon some dancers at a hotel one night. “What beautiful people” I thought. I imagined myself as an old man watching these young people express themselves. No longer do I need to show off. To be the best. To say the things. To do the things. To accomplish. To win. To be bright. I am the old man in the corner watching in silence. Pleased to see the new generation full of vitality and expression. I am the old man in the corner seeing myself in the others. I am the old man remembering his youth and his “glory” days. I am the old man who yields to the newness. I am the oak tree dropping leaves in fall.
What do I need to prove anymore? What does the oak tree, the mountain, the stream, the water ouzel, the stones … what do they need to prove their worth?
Of course we humans don’t ask these beings what their goals are. We don’t ask “what’s new with you Oak Tree?” or “what are you working on Mountain?” These are the questions we ask fellow humans. These are the questions humans ask me.
I no longer have answers — at least not sexy answers. I have been working on integrating my shadow. I have been on a journey of humility. I have been in the metamorphosis soup. I have been witnessing the dissolution of my old persona and death of old self.
These answers are like honestly answering the meaningless social greeting of “How ya doin’?”
We know the appropriate answer to this question is “Good! And you?”
Not an elaboration of your challenges, failures, losses and fears.
To be grounded but without persona. The persona gives a false sense of grounding through having a coherent self-image and character to present to the world. To be grounded without persona is to have the essence of a tree or a river or a mountain. How do you feel when you are around these things? This is how you should feel when you feel into yourself.
Who am I?
What is my value?
What is my value to what?
To society? To community? To friends? To my partner? To my family?
It is like trying to put a monetary or utilitarian value to a tree. Perhaps the value of the tree is beyond what service or function that tree provides others.
But this is what I have been doing to myself. I have been assigning value to myself for my utility. For what I can provide others.
I have not been asking myself who I am. Rather, I have been asking myself the mechanical notion of “what is my function?”
If I end up lacking function through injury, old age, death — or having boundaries by just saying “no”.
Do I no longer have value? Am I no longer me?
My value is beyond my words and actions.
My value is presence.
My value is attention.
My value is inherent in my existence.
Of course we must do things in this world. We must function. We get paid for our time and service. We provide for our family. We make sacrifices for our loved ones. We help others. We give advice. But where does this come from? Does it come from a place of transactional ego? Or does it come from the place of Wu Wei? Does it come from surrendering into the flow life? Surrendering to the proverbial necessity of “chopping wood and hauling water.”
I think making love is one of the best examples of operating from different centers or motivations. Both men and women can have sex in an attempt to feed their ego (and demons). To “perform”. To feel strong. To feel beautiful. To feel wanted. To feel valuable. To get points. To win.
But we can also have sex as a form of play. For curiosity. For relaxation. To express love and adoration. To heal. To actually drop the ego and let go of attachments. To bond. To practice surrender. To practice being vulnerable.
I think these latter, authentic ways are much more fulfilling and enriching.
And so these qualities of authentic sex can be applied to every other interactions with a human. Perhaps we can play, be curious, relax, bond, surrender and be vulnerable with friends, community and family. Dropping pretenses, performance and need to win, show off or gain reputation points.
The wild game of life simply means don’t take everything so seriously.